When it comes to working with married couples looking to purchase a home, real estate pros have different strategies in terms of keeping the quieter spouse involved if the other one is clearly the vocal leader.
“When dealing with couples, typically one is more dominant than the other,” says Jeffrey Decatur, a broker associate with RE/MAX Capital in upstate New York. “One generally takes the lead, and that’s okay. However, I always seek acknowledgement and/or confirmation from the less-dominant party. Even if one person for whatever reason is less dominant, it’s the right thing to do to include them and get confirmation. It’s a respect issue.”
Grace Stampf, of REMAX Heritage Properties in Flanders, New Jersey, also strives to get both people in a couple involved with the process.
“It is often the case for one spouse to take the lead during showings, but I make a conscious effort to include and engage the quieter partner as much as possible,” she says. “I’ll gently invite them into the conversation by asking for their thoughts—sometimes phrasing it in a more specific way, such as, ‘What do you notice about how the kitchen flows into the living area?’ or
‘How does this layout feel to you overall?’
“By doing so, I aim to create space for their input without putting undue pressure on them to speak. At the same time, I remain vigilant to respect their established couple dynamic. If they naturally defer to their partner, I accept that, but I continue to address all questions and decisions to the person who is speaking. That way, the quieter spouse never gets overlooked, yet the interactions stay comfortable and natural for both of them.”
Greg Rezac, of RE/MAX Excalibur in Scottsdale, Arizona, offers these tips:
- Try to engage both, but don’t force it.
- Make eye contact and check in with the quieter spouse periodically. Even a simple, “What do you think about the kitchen?” or “Does this feel like it would work for you?” It includes them without putting them on the spot.
- Watch the body language. The quieter person may communicate in a non-verbal way. If they’re nodding, frowning or reacting, use that as an opening.
- Never take sides or assume silence means disinterest. Some people process internally and defer to their spouse, but that doesn’t mean they’re uninvolved. You get all personalities in this business and need to relate to all kinds.
- After a few homes, try directing a question just to them in a low-pressure way—it often gets them to open up slightly over time.
Vickey Barron, a New York City broker with Compass, purposely tries to engage with the more introverted personality of the two, as it’s likely that person “never feels heard or seen, especially if there is a bolder personality who is making the decisions and calling the real estate shots.
“You have to have empathy and the intuitive sense to figure out how to include each person. It isn’t too different from two children, breaking one out of their shell. It is often therapeutic and essential for the longer-term goals at stake.”
Pam Rosser Thistle, with Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices Fox & Roach, REALTORS® in Philadelphia, keeps her antenna up as she works with couples.
“I always start treating both clients, if they are a couple, the same,” she says. “But what I find is that many have a ‘conquer and divide’ style. Some will even instruct me to communicate with the husband or wife. That is how they handle their personal affairs.
“For example, one may scout houses, then bring their partner back to see the serious contenders. When making an offer, both will be involved, sometimes with a break for them to discuss privately, then get back to me. Same with the home inspection negotiations. However, there are situations where clients buy and sell often (jobs that move). In that case, it is not unusual for one spouse to do everything and the other may not see the home until right before closing.”
Joni Usdan, an agent with Coldwell Banker in Westport, Connecticut, manages to avoid favoritism by simply allowing her couple clients as much space as possible.
“I do a lot of listening to learn how I can provide valuable information without prattling on, and otherwise just keep quiet and let them have their process without interference,” she says. “When they ask, I give my thoughts and opinions, and I don’t change it based on whether they will like it or not. I try to be as tactful as possible. I would rather make the clients happy than make a deal happen, and I definitely don’t want to talk anyone into or out of something, because then it’s my fault if they are remorseful. Anyone buying a home should have all the facts, then talk themselves into or out of the decision.”
Suzy Minken, an agent with Compass in Short Hills, New Jersey, has a proven method to make sure both people in a couple are involved.
“The couples who I have worked with have generally been on the same page, although they might differ regarding what’s most important to them when house hunting, such as a huge basement for the husband while the wife’s focus is the kitchen design,” she says. “Another couple may differ with one wanting a more ‘neighborhood feel’ with sidewalks and close proximity to neighbors versus the spouse preferring a home on a sprawling property with neighbors further away.
“Whatever the scenario, I focus on finding a harmonious solution that respects what both partners are looking for. No home is perfect. I share the 80/10/10 house-hunting principle with them, which is the house offers 80% of what you are looking for, 10% can be changed (e.g., the paint colors, floors, kitchen and bath updates, etc.) and 10% is ‘as-is’ and can’t be changed, such as location. Throughout the process, my goal is to provide buyers with a balanced perspective, highlighting both what makes a home stand out and any potential concerns they should consider.”
Offering opinions sensitively
Tact is a vital skill agents must possess when asked for their opinion and know the answer will please one person but not the other. There are usually no pure right or wrong answers, but being truthful, gently, is the favored approach, agents say.
“If asked my opinion on something I know the more difficult person is not going to be happy with, I call it out, saying ‘I know you are not going to like this or want to hear this but…’ and explain why it is that way and attempt to get agreement,” says Decatur.
“Answer honestly, but delicately,” advises Thistle. “People-pleasing can lead to big problems later.”
Stampf feels there can be flexibility in an answer.
“When I’m asked for my opinion, and I sense it could be a sensitive topic—where one person might be pleased and the other upset—I try to navigate it carefully,” she says. “If it’s a factual question, I’m always honest. But if it’s more subjective, I’ll offer a balanced perspective by gently outlining the pros and cons of each side, so they can make their own informed decision.”
Being a bit vague if the question doesn’t demand a strong opinion is a strategy Rezac employs.
“Instead of saying: ‘I like this or that,’ say, ‘This layout tends to be more popular with buyers due to the open concept,” he says. “Or try reframing, saying ‘It really depends on how you’ll use the space. Do you see yourselves hosting often or wanting more privacy between rooms?’
“If pressed, explain that ‘You both bring up great points. I can see pros to each. My job is to give you the info so you can make the decision that feels right for you.
“We need to be a steady presence in a moment of stress and emotion. We shouldn’t have any emotion ourselves in their decisions since we aren’t buying the house. Keep a neutral tone, be respectful and informative. That is what we are there for. It usually helps diffuse tension and makes both parties feel supported. Use market data, not personal opinion, to ground your advice.”
Maximizing the home’s future value is a key point Barron employs when answering a question with an answer someone might not be happy with.
“I say this isn’t what you want to hear, but the truth is that this will bring more value in the long run,” she says. “For example, if one person doesn’t want a garage and instead prioritizes outdoor space, I will weigh the pros and cons and give them honest answers. I share my years of experience and expertise. After all, that is why they enlisted a professional. Sometimes they don’t want to hear what I have to say, but it’s my duty to say it.”
